One Year Older, 10 Years Smarter...I Hope

It's hard pinpoint the exact age when you realize you've finally learned your lesson. In fact, learning from our mistakes may be a never ending process. However, I'm really hoping this year marks a turning point in my life. Given all I've been through in my professional and personal life, I'm trusting myself to spot those pink flags before they become red. No longer in my early twenties or recently out of college, can say, "I didn't know it was going to turn out this way." No more excuses! I've fallen too many times not to know where the traps are.

One year older, 10 years smarter is what I resolved to be when I turned 27, earlier this year. I've ridden my life of a job and relationship that was depleting my emotional and mental energy. I started the new year ready to execute big plans for 2008. Now, without getting into too much detail, I'm caught in a situation where I'm being put to the test of proving whether I'm in fact 1 year old and 10 years smarter. My friendship with someone, over the past couple of weeks, has become become a bit too friendly. I keep telling myself, "It's all good. I know what's going on."

But then my 37 year old self comes shaking her head, giving me that disapproving look and asking, "Really? Is this what you really want? Hello! Red flags!"

I responded, "This is nowhere near a red flag, not even a pink, but more like a fuchsia flag. This is what I want right NOW.

She tells me, "I'm sure you're having fun and if it's all good, do it. But what's gonna happen when you realize this isn't what you want? Will the universe have to intervene with some catastrophe?"

Argh! I hate it when she's right! I'm creature of habit and a selfish one at that. I want consistency on my timeline. This is what I want right now. Is there anything wrong with that?

I'm not just being tested on the personal front. It took me a long time to realize that I have no interest in pursing a career that chases the dollar. I honestly believe that happiness brings prosperity. I'm not trying to be rich. I just want to be comfortable.

However, my overly friendly friend's ambitious desire to take over the world and make a lot of money has made me question my own goals. I remember being recently out of college and having big goals of making a lot money through various business investments. There was actually a point in my life when I thought about starting my own business. And you know what, it could have happened, if I truly had a passion for it.

All this made me question what the hell I was doing with my life. Why was I not making 6 figures? Truth is, if I would have stayed at my previous job, I could have made 6 figures within 4 or 5 years in or out of that company. But I wasn't happy! I was content. What if I dedicated 2-3 years of my life to working my butt off to start my own business or getting into a field that would generate a whole lot of money? Would that give me a jump start to being happy?

This is where my 37 older self starts trying to give me advice. She tells me, "Oh, come on now. You know damn well you have no interest in opening up a new business venture. In fact, you hate interacting with some of these wanna be cut throat business folks who barely know you're alive unless you're willing to put down a mil for their investment."

It's all true. Many of these wanna be business moguls have this awful energy around them that repels normal people from wanting to spend more than 5 minutes with them. But right now I'm beginning to wonder, "Maybe I can do this for a year or two before I start school. Making some extra money wouldn't hurt."

After analyzing my situation, I began to realize I was on the path that was making me more money but it wasn't making me happy. Instead, I've decided that trusting my heart and going back to school to follow one of my passions would bring me prosperity, but more importantly happiness.

But it's all just a test, right? This doesn't really count as not being 10 years smarter, right?

Must Be Nice

Ever wake up to the annoying sound of your alarm saying, "I don't want to go to work today, tomorrow or ever again"? I remember waking up to that feeling everyday for about a year before I decided to take "break".

In August of 2007, I took a 3 month leave of absence from work. After 3 and 1/2 years, I desperately needed a break from the intensity of my work; the summers spent away from home pulling 19 hour days, weeks of traveling and the emotional investment of supporting a community of adult learners. I spent time traveling, meditating and searching for whatever it was that was going to make my my soul truly happy, not just content. I am happy to report that I had an amazing time backpacking sola through Thailand and Argentina. Although, I haven't exactly found what's going to make my happy, I'm on the way to finding my path. More details about my adventures to come!

It's been six months since my break started and I have not yet returned to work. To make a long story short, my leave of absence, unbeknownst to me, became a termination of employment. I committed almost 4 years to a job that wasn't exactly your 9-5. And now, because of a "miscommunication", I was being told I was no longer employed. The funny thing is I was secretly hoping to return from my travels to find the organization no longer needed me. I've been unhappy at my job for a long time, but was too scared to leave. Each year the money and title became harder and harder to give up. I figured if they let me go I could collect a severance, file for unemployment and then look for another job. I would be golden, right!?

Yeah, no, not so much. Being told I longer had a position, after returning from leave, left me feeling undervalued and disempowered. I felt like a loser. This was my first time not working since the age of 12. Whether it was a summer, weekend, full or part-time job, I was always working. In fact, I fell into an ity bity depression due to my job situation (I no longer had one), living situation (i was almost homeless), and some major cleansing on the relationship front(platonic and romantic). But, no need to worry people I'm all good now. I made a work plan and everything!

I was fortunate enough to have great friends to help me through all of it. While I was calling myself a loser, they were trying to convince me that I was going through a much needed transition. However, to be honest, there were some friends who were straight up haters! I mean, I couldn't believe some of the comments I would hear when I was asked about my leave/work situation.

Some of the top responses were:

1. Must be nice. I wish I could do that, but I can't with my type of job.
2. Must be nice. I couldn't be home all day doing nothing, I would lose my mind.
3. ...you have too much time on your hands. You need to get a job.

Or some other comments made at random moments

1. Damn, your hair is looking nice now-a-days. Must be nice to have a lot of time on your hands
2. So, (long pause) when are you going back to work? (there was a lot tone in that one)
3. Why do you have to go home early? Not like you have get up early to go to work.
4. Well, I need to go. Some of us have to work tomorrow.

I didn't tell many people about my depression, so it's possible to say, they didn't know and wouldn't have made those comments if they did. I'm also not denying that I've been extra sensitive regarding my situation and that I may be reading too much into these comments. Yes, I know this is my baggage and "stuff", but these comments are hurtful and definitely not friendly.

The truth is anyone can take a leave of absence. It's a choice you make that comes with big financial and emotional risks including coming back to find you have NO job or falling into a slump where you begin to doubt your self-worth. I'm not claiming that taking a leave of absence is an easy decision to make. It took me about a year to finally gather up the cojones do it. Not many people are strong enough to take a leave, but trust me, if and when the time is right, you'll know.

In closing, don't hate. I hope you too one day have the cojones to take control of your own life and happiness. And yes, for the record, it's damn nice!

The Slow Bunny is Finally Getting in the Fast Lane

I always seem to be the slow bunny when it comes getting in on big cultural trends. I only got cable about two years ago and still don't understand this TiVo/DVR business. I think they're the same things, right? Before then, I lived on channels 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, a fuzzing 31, 41 and 47. My Internet service was dial-up for most of my life. High speed came with the cable package. Gotta love Time Warner! And it's only recently that I've become an active member on facebook by writing on walls, poking, and sending gifts to 101 of my closest friends! And don't get me started on texting! I still have a love hate relationship with that shit.

Now there's blogging. OK correction, I've NOW discovered blogging. I'll admit that I've been one of the biggest haters out there. Why would anyone assume that their deep, or in many cases not so deep, thoughts would be of interest to others. I don't want to hear about your issues with mass transit, your ex-boo, political stance, or that cat who never called you back. Yeah, I know, it's therapeutic and I don't have to read it. You're 100% right. The truth is my hate for blogs started when I came across a blog posting an ex of mine wrote about his issues with relationships. Man was he full of it! Self-righteous fool. Oh wait, I'm starting to blog about an ex-boo. My bad.

Anyhow, I digress. The point is they're right! And that's exactly why I've started this blog. Because I have things to say and you don't necessarily have to listen, or in this case read it. But, I do encourage you to read it. Why? Well because I'd like to think I'm a pretty thoughtful person and very deep at times. I have things to say because lots of things go through my mind and sometimes, I honestly just don't like talking to people. Yes, even my closest friends. I don't claim to be an expert in anything but rather an observer of everything. I will do my best not be a self-righteous fool, like some people i know, and stand on soap box trying to shove cliche rhetoric down your throat. If I do, please please check me on it.

I'm also blogging to get into the habit of writing again. I have big plans for the next couple of years that include graduate school and lots of writing.

Now, the key question is how do I give my friends the link to my blog without having them tell me I told you so?...