Lesson from the Earth

Deciding to backpack, by myself, through Thailand and Argentina is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. There was no specific reason why I chose two extreme locations on the map. I had no experience traveling alone, didn't know anyone living abroad, and aside from knowing my arrival and departure city and date, I had no itinerary for my trip. I guess you can say I had absolutely no clue what I was doing. All I knew was I had to leave to find or do whatever it was that was waiting for me. And I needed to do it alone.

People ask me if I really needed to travel across the world to "find" myself. The answer is no, of course not. Truth is, the answers were right in front of me, but I was just too consumed with the everyday routine and bullshit to really see it. I needed to leave my physical environment to really begin listening to my heart and learn the lessons the universe was trying to teach me.

This backpacking experience put my mental and emotional strength and perseverance to the test. Following a great piece of advice from a spiritually connected friend, I resolved to be free do anything and everything I've wanted to do, but have been too scared to try. After my first 3 days in Bangkok, I began to feel restless and took it as a sign to keep moving. I booked a sleeper train and traveled 2o some hours north to Chiang Mai. I absolutely loved the sleeper train. I felt very Marilyn Monroe in Some like It Hot. I preferred the smaller city, less congested feel of Chiang Mai over Bangkok. Once settled into my guesthouse, I set out to explore the city on foot. Over the next couple of days, with my handy dandy Let’s Go Thailand book, I visited the local wats, chatted up it up with a monk, shopped at night markets, and attended a Muy Thai boxing match. Feeling proud of myself for all that I had done on my own, I decided to be a bit more adventurous and sign up for a trek into the hill tribes of Chiang Mai. As you may have guessed, I don't like to plan. When I signed up for this trek I failed get all the details. I was told the trek included a few hours of hiking, visiting and sleeping in local hill tribes, elephant riding, white water rafting, and bamboo rafting.

The trek started out with an hour ride to the entrance of the mountain we were set to hike. For the record, I've never actually hiked before. I went to Bear Mountain on a high school trip once, but never actually hiked. The first hour into the hike was a moderate hour walk. However, the path quickly became progressively harder. By the second hour, it turned into a difficult 2 hour uphill hike.

Now, I’d like to think I'm in descent shape. Hell, I ran a marathon, which must count for something. But it’s an understatement to say, I struggle d to keep up with the rest of my group. I was sweating like a beast and barely able to keep my breath. To my credit, I wasn’t feeling 100%. I woke up that morning with a bad case of food poisoning complete with vomiting and stomach cramps. Barely able to hold down a piece of bread, I skipped breakfast that morning. Hello?! The most important meal of the day! By the third hour into the hike, I was expending more energy than I put into my system. We stopped every 45 minutes for about 10 minutes to re-hydrate. With only two bottles of water for the first day, I quickly learned how to ration my supplies. To make matters worse, in addition to being an inexperienced hiker, I didn’t have the appropriate gear. Instead of hiking boots, I wore an old pair of running sneakers. I began to feel like the weakest link on Survivor.

Despite the intensity of the first few hours of the hike, I was tired, but still in good spirits. We finally arrived at Yao tribe village, where we were scheduled to have lunch. Unfortunately, still unable to hold down any food, I also skipped lunch. The particular community of the Yao tribe was where Lex, our tour guide, was from. We met and ate lunch with his 13 year old cousin, her 25 year husband and his opium smoking grandma. This was a lot to take in, but hey when in Rome, right.

After an hour break we set back out on our journey. The rest of the hike was a grueling mix of uphill and downhill paths, some which had never been walked through. Still in monsoon season, the rain had brought in lots of humidity. Rain + Humidity = constantly swatting away annoying mosquitoes and creepy crawlies away from my face. The hours of buzzing near my ears were horrible! I was a magnet for mosquitoes. Right at that moment, I had a brief concern for my health. In spite of the many warnings from experienced travelers, I failed to get my malaria pills and hepatitis shots. Well, technically I did go to my doctor the day before I left, but apparently you need to get vaccinated a month before you travel. Who knew?!

The wet season also left the hiking path wet, muddy and slippery. About three hours into the hike I twisted my ankle (the same ankle I sprained earlier in the year) and fell. Lex used some meager first aid tools to clean my leg. With no bandages or gauze to cover my wound, my leg was left scrapped and bloody. He said, “Don’t worry, blood will dry up.” He was also nice enough to make me a walking stick by using his machete to break off a long branch from a tree.

We finally arrived at the Karen tribe village. After the long day’s hike, the only thing on my mind was taking a shower. I'm not a high maintenance woman. I wasn't expecting a four star hut, but I definitely thought there would be more options to shower than a river or a hose and bucket al fresco. I couldn’t bring myself to shower in front of everyone, which wasn't a good look or smell after that 5 hour hike. By this point, I was beyond cranky.


Lex went to the work on making us dinner, another meal I couldn’t eat. After dinner, once the sun went down, there was very little to do for entertainment. The Karen people lived a very simple life with no amenities such as gas or electricity. They gave us a few candles, but instead of providing light it attracted more mosquitoes. With nothing to do, we decided to turn in by 9pm. I slept in a hut, on a bamboo floor under a princess (mosquito) net with two other guys. By midnight, while everyone else was snoring, I laid wide awake desperately trying not to think about having to go the bathroom. I was terrified to walk to the bathroom hut alone without a flashlight; and, of course, I couldn’t wake anyone else up. Instead, I decided to hold it. I figured I could force myself to sleep and forget all about it. However, just as I was falling asleep it started pouring rain. This had to be the worst day of my life!

As I lay under my princess net, trying to erase the memory of the entire day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the emotions rushed through my body at once. I was exhausted and hungry, reeked of sweat and mosquito repellent, in pain with stomach cramps, bladder ready to burst, a twisted ankle and bloody leg. I was frustrated and angry. I was mad at myself for getting sick, falling down, having to pee and everything else I couldn’t control. I was mad for not being strong enough to hike up the mountain without losing my breath; and smart enough to know what the hell I was doing. I trusted my gut to lead me through, what I thought was going to be an amazing experience; but instead I found myself in a bamboo hut, under a princess net, holding my pee in the middle of nowhere Thailand! I started cry and continued crying for an hour straight. Fortunately, the sounds of my cries were competing with the rain. The harder it rained; the harder I cried.

I only slept about 2 hours that night, but somehow I woke up the next morning feeling revitalized. It was almost felt like the rain and my crying symbolically washed away all my frustration and anger. Although, I was still in pain and continued to reek, I felt the worst was over. I still had another full day ahead including two hours of hiking, elephant riding, white water and bamboo rafting; but it all seems doable. So what if I didn’t know how to swim. I would figure it out. :)

As we drove back down into the city, I couldn’t help but smile thinking of all I accomplished. I was proud of myself for overcoming the physical adversities of the trek; but more importantly, I was proud of breaking down the mental and emotional blocks I created. I began thinking of all times I put up blocks. The countless times I doubted my strength and gave into my fears preventing me from leaving an unfulfilling job or tearing away from unhealthy relationships.

Thinking back on that night I cried, I realized I was having a conversation with the Earth. She reminded me that I was a part of her; and we were forever spiritually connected. Like her, I am nurturing and stable, solid and firm, full of endurance and strength. She wasn’t trying to break me down. She was forcing me to see my true power and strength.

Guess what Mother Earth? I see it. I finally see it. And all it took was a twisted ankle, banged up leg, food poisoning, and possible malaria. Damn, I must be really stubborn.

Lesson from the Earth: You're stronger than you think. And once you realize it, it will change how you see yourself in the world.

My Turn To Wake Up

The months prior to my leave of absence were mentally and emotionally draining. I was unhappy going to work, and anxious and restless with just being. I consumed my every hour with work, family or friends. When there was no work or other people to deal with, I became more and more anxious. I hated the idea of just resting. Once my physical body took a break, my mind would start racing. I hid behind work, family and friends to avoid dealing with bigger issue.

I was unhappy, but my life was good. There was nothing major to complain about. I had a job, decent health (minus one or two kidney stones), healthy family and friends, roof over my head, paying all my bills, etc. In a nutshell, I was content, but not happy. I began to realize the anxiety and restleness I felt was actually my soul was calling for help; telling me there was more to my life than what I was doing. I started to notice my life was merely an unfulfilling routine. I was living everyday to task in fear of making wrong decisions, if I veered off course.

I preoccupied myself with work and family because I was in denial. I didn't want to deal with the question, "What do I have to change in my life to be truly happy? Was it my job? Relationships with family and friends?" It eventually caught up to me, but I'm glad it did. It was my turn to wake up.

Hell, even a random stranger knew it was time for me to wake up. A couple a months ago, around May, I walked into one of my favorite book stores in the city, East West Books. I was just browsing, like I normally do, when a random hippie-looking dude in his early 60's, began to strike up a conversation with me.


He complemented me on my fresh new tattoo, a lotus flower with an ohm sign on my back, and asked, "So, I'm assuming you're on your path?"

Taken off guard, I gave him a puzzled look.

He pointed to my back and said, "Your tattoo."

It took me a minute to understand, and then I responded, "Kinda."

He shook his head and said, "No, you're either on it or you're not."

"No, it's just that I haven't figured out all the pieces yet." I responded defensively.

He said, "That's bullshit. What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure." I replied.

He asked again, this time with more command, "What do you want to do?"

I started getting nervous, but not because the strange hippie dude was getting loud. Instead, it was because I didn't have an answer. I began fidgeting, looking away, and crossing my arms and legs. He quickly pulled my arms apart and ordered me to stop.

He looked into my eyes like he was peering into a peep hole, touched my head and said, "Don't answer from here." Then he pointed to my heart and said, "Answer from here."

It took every fiber of my being not to break down in tears. I started fidgeting again. And once again, he told me to stop. After a long pause, I said, "I want to go away. I need to leave all of this. I'm just tired of all of it. I don't know maybe travel for a bit, maybe even move somewhere out of New York for a while."

"Then do it. Go!" he said.

I replied, "It's not that easy. I can't pick up and just go. What if I make the wrong decision?"

He said, "Why not? What's the worse that can happen? You come back?"

He continued to stare at me, smiled and said:

Look at you. Your parents did a great job at raising you. They gave you everything they never had and more. They protected you from all the bad things in the world, but now all their fears have now become your fears. That's not you. You know how many people get sick and eventually die because they don't listen to their heart? Do you want that to be you?

I felt like a child being scolded for not following directions. I looked down, shook my head and said, "No."

"Then listen to your heart, follow you're soul's path and go. If you don't go, you'll just be another pretty girl with a tattoo on her back." he responded.

I simply nodded my head in agreement, letting it all sink it. I couldn't believe it was that obvious. Even when I wasn't thinking about it, the unhappiness and anxiety was looming over my spirit.

The last piece of advice the hippie dude gave me was on a card he told me to keep. It said, "Relax. God's in control." He followed that by saying it didn't matter what I believed in, but to simply trust that it's all taken care of. He left by telling me he was a regular at the bookstore and playfully warned that he never wanted to see me there again.

Now, that's what I call a rude awakening.