Am I Being Selfish?

Am I being selfish for....

• wanting to spend my Sundays ALONE watching football and reading the NY Sunday Times


• not picking up my phone when it rings because ( a) i know the person on the other line really has nothing to say or discuss, but will find something to complain about, (b) or I rather finish reading my book or paper, (c) or I just don't want to speak with anyone


• preferring to spend my free time sitting in a cafe reading, writing, researching aka googling anything, running or biking, than at someone's house catching up. I WOULD, however, prefer to catch up with them over coffee at a cafe, while I'm taking a break from working the activities mentioned above


• not returning a text message because I know the other person will likely want to meet up and talk about all the bad shit in their life


• not wanting to chat it up in the office on Monday mornings or Friday afternoons about my weekend/plans for the weekend - OK maybe this is me just hating office bantar.
  

A friend recently said, " You're always busy and never have time to hang out." The funny thing is that I don't necessarily feel busy, but I know always have something to do. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true. I don't like spending my free time doing nothing - at home watching TV, except if it's football on Sundays or Monday nights. I love going out for dinner and drinks with friends, but I'm trying to be much more budget conscious, given these tough economic times. I know what you're gonna say, " It doesn't cost much to make dinner at home and buy a bottle a wine." And I totally agree! However, when I get into my solitude groove it's hard for me to get back into the social responsibility of maintaining friendships.

The truth is friendships are hard work! It's a full-time job that can really fill up my social calendar. Dinner with Jen on Monday, Obama fundraiser event hosted by Michael on Wednesday, drinks with Maria on Thursday, bday party for Lisa on Friday night and brunch with Julie on Saturday. And that's only knocks out 4 people off my long list of friends. I also have to include meetings for networking purposes - meet with professor from Hunter afterwork, panel discussion on state of education, or dinner with recruiter from X company. It's just a lot for someone who prefers to be alone.

But you know what?! Life is all about balance and I think I am being selfish. I appreciate my friend who called me out on "always being busy." I recognize that I need keep up with my friendships, especially those that have been critical to my spiritual and emotional development.

Soooo...Thank you for calling me out! Oh I know, maybe my friends can come over and watch football on Sundays! Some beer, chips and catch up during half time! LOL..... kidding, just kidding.

Stepping Up To The Box

It all happened so quickly. From the moment we got off the plane you could feel the tightness in the air and the sorrow and grief in everyone’s hearts. It was as if the entire country was in mourning. When we arrived at la sala de velorio there were about a 3 dozen people sitting in the pews facing the box. Some of them I hadn’t seen in years and others I’d never met. Tight embraces and quiet sobs replaced our hellos and introductions. No words were needed; we were bound by the same grief.

As we walked in everyone made a beeline for the box. They stepped up and peered over. Some peeked over in out of curiosity; while other cried and wailed uncontrollably for Diosito to bring her back. I wasn’t surprised he stepped up to the box; after all she was his sister. He put his glasses on and examined her every detail from her hair down to her shoes. But surprisingly he didn’t cry.

I couldn’t bring myself to step up to the box. Why would I want to see a desiccated physical form of who she was? I wanted to keep in my mind and heart an image of her that truly embodied her spirit. When I close my eyes I can still see her sitting at the kitchen table sharing a drink with me. I can still smell her perfume of home remedies, a concoction of agua bendita y herbitas.

We shared a connection I can’t explain. She felt my thought and dreamt my dreams. She loved me. And she knew I loved her before I did. Sometimes I would find her sitting alone staring blankly out at nothing; her deep eyes red and watery. It could have been my naiveté or my emotional midgetry, but I could never bring myself to ask her what was wrong or dare to lend her any consoling words. To be honest, her emotions scared; my emotions scared me. Instead, I just sat there; listening and hoping that in my silence I could share and alleviate her pain. Maybe all she needed was to hear me say I love you, but I never did. I just couldn’t.

And that’s why I feel so frustrated! I wish we could have shared more, talked more! There’s so much I wish I could have said and done. I’m older now! I could have provided her the emotional support she needed when she sat there alone. Why couldn't I get over my own stuff to be there for her?! I was being selfish.

In retrospect, I can admit it was really my frustration and selfishness that kept me from stepping up to the box. People say that mourning death is a selfish act. But mourning is also very normal and necessary.